THE THREE BLINDERS OF RELATIONSHIP

Within you is a core of wisdom that Buddhist teachers call brilliant sanity. It is an intelligence that turns toward the truth the way a plant turns toward the sun: instinctively. This wisdom can operate with insufficient facts, accurately assessing the future and maintaining your sense of clarity even as you contend with situations fraught with emotion or desire. This wisdom tends not only to perceive reality clearly but also to view yourself and others with kindness and compassion. This doesn’t mean you operate like a psychic sponge, taking on the problems of others out of concern—you can maintain strong, healthy boundaries and still have compassion for others. What it does mean is that your core of brilliant sanity tends to be kind, and part of that kindness is a loving understanding
of yourself, of what you need, and of what your unique nature requires in order to feel fulfilled in a loving relationship.



You have already encountered this trait in yourself. Think about it: Do you sometimes sense who is calling when the phone rings, or know just where to look for a lost item even though someone else
misplaced it? Can you sometimes find parking places by almost feeling their location? You may know just the right thing to say to people, to help them relax or start to open up. You may know
what is really going on with others, in a way that they miss, when they experience a misunderstanding or a lack of communication. The best tool you have for navigating the landscape of love, for keeping yourself safe, for finding and nourishing the relationships you need, is this vital instinct, this deep intelligence that appears with flashes of brilliance: brilliant sanity.

Intuitive signals and dreams are two ways that your deeper core of wisdom communicates and expresses itself. There is nothing spooky about this; it is a natural part of your intelligence reflecting
aspects of your experience that may not yet be at the forefront of your awareness. In some cases, dreams and intuition appear to be almost magic because, through them, we become aware of information or insights that have been obscured or hidden. At any given time, you know more than you can be aware of consciously, and your flashes of insight and your dreams demonstrate this deeper knowing; they not only reflect what is going on in your life but also highlight what is most important to understand in your relationships.

If you are like many of the women in my classes, you are frustrated because you have excellent instincts about other people’s relationships, and feel a little blind or confused about your own.

Why is it that we can be so brilliant and intuitive about some parts of life, yet feel bewildered and cut off from our own wisdom in other parts of life?

The Three Blinders: Importance, Desire, and Fear

When a situation is extremely important to us, we have a tendency to go blank on our instincts and to overthink the situation.

When there is a powerful emotional component, and when there is something in the situation that we fear as well as something we desire, these things can clog our ability to hear our inner wisdom or understand our gut instincts. That is why when you are talking with friends about their situations you may have excellent instincts and a feeling that you know what is going on and how it will play out. But when you are trying to get a sense of clarity with a romance of your own, you may be inadvertently blocking your core knowing because of fear, desire, and a personal investment in
the outcome.

When we deal with romance, sometimes wishful thinking, small resentments, desperation and loneliness, or even a false feeling of worthlessness easily confuse us. This may ignite an urge to try to fool someone into loving us, or cause us to feel like an imposter. Both men and women feel the stakes are high, our feelings are hooked, and it is easy to feel we must captivate and conceal our “flaws” in order to be loved. Of course, these thoughts are illusions, but when we deal with fear and desire, we
tend to drift away from that core of brilliant sanity and forget not only what we really want but also who we really are. When we abandon the core self, for whatever reason, we also detach from our intuition and our truth-detector.

If you have been hurt by love (and who hasn’t?), you may search for a partner, but all the while be tracing your scars and probing old wounds. When you meet new people, the matchmaker in your
heart may feel a flutter of hope while the district attorney in your mind is ready to indict them for crimes they could never have committed. I know people who strap on their bitterness when they
go out to meet someone new, like a western gunslinger buckling his gun belt, and then wait, hand poised over their weapon, for a person to make one false move so they can gun him down. It is
understandable that even the most resilient among us is wary and bruised, and that in the search for companionship we alternate between romantic fantasies and flinty-eyed cynicism.

Despite these tendencies to approach the topic of love with divided concerns, your instinct for happiness is still intact, and your ability to know what is real and to do the right thing for yourself
is alive and well. The brilliance at your core is always speaking to you through your dreams and your subtle intuitions. If you slow down and listen, you will often find that you already know what is
true about a situation and that you already know how you really feel about someone.




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